


You're My Only Hope

by maschinenmensch



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Gen, Growing Up, Holtzmann As A Star Wars Fan, young Holtzmann
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 19:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9087604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maschinenmensch/pseuds/maschinenmensch
Summary: At 8-years old, Jillian Holtzmann is taken to a movie that will change her life forever.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Carrie.

_Girls aren’t supposed to say things like that._

_Why don’t you dress like a lady?_

_Look at yourself - all greasy and messy. Why can’t you play with dolls and tea sets like normal girls?_

8-year old Jillian Holtzmann is told many things. But these are the ones that cut the most. She doesn’t want to play with dolls. She doesn’t want to act normal. She wants to help her brother fix his car and wear overalls and say what she feels.

Her mother has other ideas. Being the youngest of three and the only girl, Jillian’s mother is determined to mold her into the proper little lady she *should* be. But she fights it. And so on and on it goes - Jillian’s mother telling her what to do and what she did wrong, her father looking uncomfortable (she’s pretty sure he’s as annoyed by her as she is but won’t say anything), her brothers ignoring everything. So when Jillian comes home from school and finds that her favorite sneakers and jeans and flannels have been donated to Goodwill and replaced by sensible loafers and skirts and flowery dresses, she gives up.

 _This is the way it has to be,_ she thinks, legs swinging from the end of her bed on which she sits, a single tear falling down one of her rosy cheeks. _One day I will be big, but I have to do what mother says. I have to be who she wants me to be._

There’s a knock on her door and her 17-year old brother comes in. Jillian looks up to him because he’s smart and funny and treats her like an equal, not as a little sister. He ruffles her unruly mess of blonde curls as he sits down next to her.

“Hey Jilly. There’s a movie marathon downtown and I want you to come with. It’s Friday so dad said it’s ok if you stay out late.”

Jillian frowns. “What does mom say?” She worries what her mother thinks now. She doesn’t want to be a disappointment anymore.

“Who cares what she thinks. Put your shoes on kiddo.” His grin is so broad Jillian can’t help but smile back. She jumps off the bed and grabs her penny loafers (still pining for the pair of sneakers that she had barely broken in), slipping them on before grabbing her brother’s outstretched hand.

He lets her sit in the passenger seat of his car, making his friends jump in the back as he picks them up. They get to the theatre early, occupying four seats dead center in the back row. He buys her a popcorn, a Coke and a box of Junior Mints. “You’re such a good date bro!” one of his friends teases. He smiles. “Jilly deserves this.” Jillian feels like a million bucks.

“What are we seeing?” Jillian asks between loud slurps of her soda, right before the previews start.

“Star Wars,” her brother responds. “All three of them. They’re the best movies Jilly. I wanted to make sure you finally got to see them.”

She’s heard of Star Wars; Many of her classmates have shirts, folders or pens emblazoned with characters that are unfamiliar to Jillian. Her mother has never let her watch the movies. _They’re not for you,_ she says, a familiar refrain to 8-year old ears.

Jillian bounces excitedly in her seat when the lights go down. Her eyes get wide when the words “Star Wars” flash on the screen followed by an opening crawl that pulls her into a world she never could have imagined. A few moments later, a figure wearing a white dress pulls back the hood obscuring her face. Jillian audibly gasps. It is the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen.

Through over seven hours of viewing, Jillian is transfixed by this character. _Leia_ , she says repeatedly in her head. _Leia_ . _What a wonderfully unique name,_ she thinks. She is not only drawn to her beauty but to her feistiness. She says what she thinks. She doesn’t let anyone boss her around. She leads. She’s strong and smart and everything Jillian longs to be.

Her brother is shocked when his 8-year old sister is absolutely wired in the wee hours of the morning after sitting still for such an extremely long period of time. The entire ride home is Jillian babbling about how the movies were so cool and how much she loved Leia and wants to be her one day. Not as a princess, but as a strong, independant woman.

The following morning, Jillian wakes up shocked that her mother let her sleep in until noon. Sure it’s a Saturday, but sleeping in is _wasteful._ At least according to her. Jillian glances over at her nightstand and sees a crudely wrapped package resting on it. She grabs it, reading the note attached in her brother’s familiarly awful handwriting.

_Thought you’d like this Jilly. May the force be with you._

She tears open the wrapping to find a brand new Princess Leia action figure. Jillian lets out a happy squeal as she opens the package to reveal the toy inside. It might be the best present she's ever received.

Over the days, weeks and months to come, Jillian learns how to defy convention without getting caught. She saves her allowance to buy more action figures and science kits and tools but hides them under the dolls that she's “supposed” to be playing with. She takes off the frilly blouses when she gets to school to reveal t-shirts with movie & cartoon characters. She excels in math & science, taking special pride when she bests every single boy in her class. And at the end of every day, before she falls asleep, Jillian talks to her Leia action figure and tells her how her day went. She asks it to give her the strength to carry on. She promises it that she will make Leia proud.

When she's old enough, she tells her mother she may not be what a girl is _supposed_ to be, but she's the girl she _wants_ to be. And that means a perfect score on her SATs, being able to take apart and put back together every piece of machinery in the house, and wearing a suit and tie if she damn well pleases. It means a full scholarship to MIT at 16. Oh, and it means dating the most attractive girl on the cheerleading squad.

Jillian knows it's because of a film her sibling took her to many years before. And the small plastic toy she was gifted shortly thereafter.

Years later, a woman with auburn hair, a woman Jillian would lay her life down for, asks her about the very worn action figure she displays proudly on her workbench.

“It saved my life,” Jillian responds simply.  


**Author's Note:**

> Carrie Fisher's passing has hit me harder than probably any non-family member in my life. Leia was my idol as a child. Carrie was my heroine as an adult. I know she made an impact on so many people. Like Holtzmann in this story, she saved me too.


End file.
